When a client asks me how to fit sex into a busy, overscheduled life—especially when kids enter the picture—I have no qualms about saying, “schedule it.” We know that if we don’t schedule time for exercise, meditation, and cooking, they don’t happen. The same is true for sex—good habits often need to be blocked into our lives. In this sense, scheduling sex is an act of self-care for the relationship.
Some part of us naturally balks at this suggestion. Shouldn’t sex be spontaneous? Shouldn’t the impulse to have sex arise naturally from an organic place of passion that flows onto your partner? If you’re the high-drive partner, then yes, you’ll have no trouble envisioning and implementing spontaneous sex. But for the low-drive partner (and there’s one in almost every relationship), once you’re past the initial infatuation stage when hormones tend to run high and you can easily squeeze a quickie in at the drop of a hat, not only does it make more practical sense to schedule sex, but it makes more emotional sense as well.
Believe me, I get how easy it is to allow life to take over and eclipse any organic desire for sex. I understand how work, house, finances, kids, and personal self-care can exhaust your resources and eat away at not only energy but time. Yet I also know, both personally and professionally, that when we make deposits into the sex bank, everyone wins, and quite often the only way this can happen is when we sex becomes part of our weekly or bi-weekly routine.
Consistent, loving, and respectful sexual contact is one of the actions that sets into motion a positive feedback cycle between partners. It lubricates in all senses of the word. As Charla Muller writes in her book, 365 Nights, “having sex today is always worth more than having sex tomorrow. We reap the benefits of having sex plus all the goodwill it generates in our marriage and in the eyes of our spouse. In turn, this accrues (like compound interest), and we now have a ‘bank account’ of intimacy that can be reflected in less stress between partners, less anxiety, a closer relationship, and so on.”